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Author Topic: 20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN, By Dave Barry  (Read 2071 times)

EraserX33

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1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings,"

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

20. "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."
Darrell
My carbon footprint is about 3% of Al Gore's, and if you're greener than Gore, you're fkn green enough.


SLK

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Re: 20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN, By Dave Barry
« Reply #1 on: Mar 01, 2011, 09:22:28 PM »
a few I learned from living in Alaska,

1. Never poke a sleeping a bear, just shoot while the opportunity exists.

2. Always be prepared for inclimate weather cause it will be the climate weather.

3. If a moose wants to stand where you are standing let it unless  you are willing to stomped beyound recognition or see last half of number 1.

4. When fishing remember to be prepared to get wet cause in Alaska some fish are as big or bigger than you and all the fish pound for pound are a lot stronger than humans.
SLK   I ride a Yamaha Star  Motorcycle or I ride nothing at all.

Madcow

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Re: 20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN, By Dave Barry
« Reply #2 on: Mar 02, 2011, 07:15:05 AM »
1. Always kiss her goodnight.

2. Never forget the 20, 30, 50 percent marrage tax.         $26,000.00 since the divorce and counting. OH forget the $500,000 and ten year investment, that's just maintenance fees. AND!!! No I am not bitter!!!   ;D

3. Important to love your children but, teach them to be good parents too. You only get one chance at that one. 

4. Big boobs are fun.. Hell who am I kidding, little ones are too. Personally, I never met one I didn't like.

5. Have a pedicure once.. You'll love it!!

6. If you have a friend that you truly love.. TELL THEM!!!!!!

7. Nothing I have ever experienced tops being a granpa.

cheers!
"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." - James A. Michener
May your road be smooth yet twisty.
Let your mods turn all heads and torque make you thirsty.
I hope the ride will take you to a place that makes your spirit sing.
And put a smile on your face, for the blessings this day will bring.   Madcow 11

jkskeet

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Re: 20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN, By Dave Barry
« Reply #3 on: Mar 06, 2011, 01:06:00 AM »
I don't really have much to add but just thought I'd say that I enjoyed reading it! Thanks..

I suppose I got one! Don't ever go to sleep mad at your partner! U never know when the lord is going to call u home so take advantage of every opportunity life puts in front of you!

Your buddy may not be impressed cuz he thinks a bike has to vibrate you to death and rumble like a worn out washing machine.But the Raider does the job in a more fashionable way. Like a Lexus vs. a Volkswagon

Maxxheadroom

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Re: 20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN, By Dave Barry
« Reply #4 on: Mar 08, 2011, 06:40:05 PM »
I don't really have much to add but just thought I'd say that I enjoyed reading it! Thanks..

I suppose I got one! Don't ever go to sleep mad at your partner! U never know when the lord is going to call u home so take advantage of every opportunity life puts in front of you!

This is so very true, I nearly lost my wife a little over a week ago as I sat with her in ICU tears streaming down my face all I could think was the kiss I gave her just before she went in for emergency surgery might have been the last. Life is fragile, you never know when the lord is going to call you home. He was gracious enough to let my wife stay with me.

jkskeet

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Re: 20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN, By Dave Barry
« Reply #5 on: Mar 08, 2011, 08:32:51 PM »
I don't really have much to add but just thought I'd say that I enjoyed reading it! Thanks..

I suppose I got one! Don't ever go to sleep mad at your partner! U never know when the lord is going to call u home so take advantage of every opportunity life puts in front of you!

This is so very true, I nearly lost my wife a little over a week ago as I sat with her in ICU tears streaming down my face all I could think was the kiss I gave her just before she went in for emergency surgery might have been the last. Life is fragile, you never know when the lord is going to call you home. He was gracious enough to let my wife stay with me.

I'm glad that everything sounds like it went well with your wife. I couldn't imagine that feeling. God bless!

Your buddy may not be impressed cuz he thinks a bike has to vibrate you to death and rumble like a worn out washing machine.But the Raider does the job in a more fashionable way. Like a Lexus vs. a Volkswagon