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Author Topic: Just for laughs !  (Read 124684 times)

Madcow

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Just for laughs !
« on: Aug 07, 2009, 08:57:05 AM »
Got a joke? Here's the place to tell it...


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

« Last Edit: Feb 23, 2010, 06:59:42 AM by Madcow »
"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." - James A. Michener
May your road be smooth yet twisty.
Let your mods turn all heads and torque make you thirsty.
I hope the ride will take you to a place that makes your spirit sing.
And put a smile on your face, for the blessings this day will bring.   Madcow 11


BLACKCHROMEDSPOKES

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #1 on: Aug 07, 2009, 09:55:38 AM »
 :goodjob: :funnypost:
 THE ORIGINAL

Vod Kanockers

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #2 on: Aug 08, 2009, 12:47:20 AM »
Here's one for ya:


Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"

"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"


BLACKCHROMEDSPOKES

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #3 on: Aug 08, 2009, 12:55:01 AM »
Here's one for ya:


Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"

"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"



Damn  :funnypost:

Good job V
 THE ORIGINAL

Vod Kanockers

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #4 on: Aug 08, 2009, 01:06:16 AM »
some more....!

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear;

"Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom;

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

 :D :D

_________________________________________

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.

The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.

Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".

___________________________________________

One day, during lessons on proper grammar,
the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'


Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY........

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f--king beautiful!''


______________________________________________________

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."








« Last Edit: Aug 08, 2009, 01:13:31 AM by Vintage »

Madcow

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #5 on: Aug 08, 2009, 06:50:50 PM »
BWAHAHAHAH funny stuff. :D
"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." - James A. Michener
May your road be smooth yet twisty.
Let your mods turn all heads and torque make you thirsty.
I hope the ride will take you to a place that makes your spirit sing.
And put a smile on your face, for the blessings this day will bring.   Madcow 11

BLACKCHROMEDSPOKES

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #6 on: Aug 08, 2009, 07:42:20 PM »
definately a funny post.
 THE ORIGINAL

BLACKCHROMEDSPOKES

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #7 on: Aug 08, 2009, 08:47:43 PM »
I got one for ya:

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It
looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

''1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him
to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest And said,

'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ‘I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.'
 THE ORIGINAL

WilCon

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #8 on: Aug 08, 2009, 10:53:01 PM »
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ</a>

Hilarious.
The above post is strictly the opinion of the poster, disregard as necessary.

If the above post is in RED then it was a moderator talking, you should pay attention.

SWomack

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #9 on: Aug 08, 2009, 11:36:20 PM »
 :D  :D :D

funny posts guys

Madcow

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #10 on: Aug 08, 2009, 11:52:17 PM »
heheh.. who the fok is that anyway?   :D
"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." - James A. Michener
May your road be smooth yet twisty.
Let your mods turn all heads and torque make you thirsty.
I hope the ride will take you to a place that makes your spirit sing.
And put a smile on your face, for the blessings this day will bring.   Madcow 11

BLACKCHROMEDSPOKES

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #11 on: Aug 09, 2009, 12:32:32 AM »
I found another:

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,  takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;........ Go home!   You're drunk.'
 THE ORIGINAL

bamf

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #12 on: Aug 09, 2009, 12:42:41 PM »
I found another:

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,  takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;........ Go home!   You're drunk.'

I dunno why, but this one made me crack up.  :D
The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city - rrroooew, rroooew, rrrrrooooooooew! Everyone looking at me: "who's that guy?" "He must be tough." Rrooew, rrooew, rrooew, rrrrroooooooew! I'll have my girl on the back seat holding on to my fat belly. Sure, she's missing a few teeth, but she thinks I'm cool.

EraserX33

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #13 on: Aug 09, 2009, 12:50:46 PM »
Yeah, that's pretty good.   :D
Darrell
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TRaider_John

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Re: just for laughs !
« Reply #14 on: Aug 09, 2009, 09:52:05 PM »
This biker walks into a bar and grill followed by an ostrich. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but the ostrich has to go." The guy says "she's with me, and she'll drink what I'm drinking."
"OK, what will you have."
"Tonight just give me a draft." The ostrich said "I'll have one, too." The bartender tapped two beers and said "That'll be $7.35 with tax."
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $7.35 and pays the bartender.

Later that week the guy and ostrich come back. The same sequence of things occurs, but with a burger with fries and a beer this time. The total tab is $18.46 and again, the guy pulls out exact change. The bartender is amazed, but doesn't ask any questions.

Saturday night the biker and ostrich come back. They had just been to dinner and stopped for an after dinner drink. The guy orders a Black Russian and the ostrich said "I'll have one, too." The guy pays, again, with exact change.

Finally the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him and he asks "OK, how do you do that? How do you have exact change in your pocket regardless of what you order?

The guy explains that one lonely night he had been taking a lonely walk down a beach and found a brass lamp. When he rubbed the lamp a genie popped out and said it would grant two wishes. After thinking carefully, he asked first for the ability to have money in his pocket to pay for anything he wanted.

"That's pretty smart." said the bartender. "If you had asked for a million dollars you could eventually run out of money. This way there's no limit. What was your second wish?"

The guy said "I wished for a chick with long legs."